Writing eases me. Sharing my thoughts relieves me. Still, apart from the messaging and a journal entry so now and then, I do not write, nor publish it because of feelings of inadequacy. I never get to it because once I convinced myself I have nothing worthwhile to share. I do not understand myself and the world I’m living in to write something that is true. At times when a little spark moves me to sit and write my head is filled with urgencies such as weeds and laundry.

Thirtyseven years of age, waiting at the busstop for the right bus I realize it is not going to show up. I might as well get in one to get me going. That’s what this post is. Even if my writing never gets to impact in ways I dreamed of, at least I feel at ease and relieved. Streaming content made by others increasingly feels like I’ve seen it all before. My head is full. Anything “new” is just another layer which adds a little more nuance. But is also fuels me with doubt and lethargy. Perhaps it’s time to just write it all down so that I can make space for to create something of my own. Something that–at least for me–will help to get some clarity.

Lapinzar–I haven’t yet clarified the meaning of the name in the about page–is a truncated name for ‘lapin bizarre’, French for–at least I like to believe it is–‘weird rabbit’ or in Dutch: ‘raar konijn’. That’s a name of endearment my mum used to call me by when I did or say something you could say is quirky. I chose this as the name for this blog as a public display of to own oneself, all of it.

You know, I was thinking. With the rise of large language models perfectionism in short form content creation seems to increasingly become overrated. Before, one was able to differentiate herself by make the best possible content. Articulate, consice and considerate are some qualities that these models seem to have inherent. It’s as if these qualities in content are standardized now. Where people get annoyed by spelling and grammer erros they might now appreciate it as it shows the only quality these models can’t quite get right, that of being a messy human.

Well, I don’t want to write more than I feel I want to say. Four arbitrary paragraphs which random subjects full of spelling and grammer errors, it is perfect. Good night.